Friday, June 28, 2013

The Omega 4 Relay

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That is totally the best "I got fucked last night" song.

Look, listen to it, you'll agree with me:

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All right, let's finish this shit heap before someone gets a space STD.

The IFF is installed, meaning we can approach the Omega 4 Mass Relay, pretend that we are TOTALLY a reaper, and then zip on in to the collector base.

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Huh, that mass relay's red. What is this, the ending to Mass Effect 3? RIMSHOT.

Anyway, once the Normandy passes through:

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... the ... collectors live in a bright orange debris field, apparently.

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The Normandy's attached pretty much on entry. I guess the IFF tells the mass relay that we're yes indeed a reaper, but forgot to tell the area's defenses that we're a reaper? Seems like a big glitchy oversight, but hey.

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I totally neglected to mention this. There's a meta game where you can drill for minerals to upgrade the Normandy. I didn't mention it because it is fucking boring. You didn't miss a thing, trust me. I've considered doing a Saturday post on it, but don't get too sad when I don't do it.

Why upgrade the Normandy? We've entered the final end sequence to Mass Effect 2, where the game will start permakilling your characters for you, Fire Emblem style. If your shiz isn't upgraded, the game will kill people right here.

The game has a few weights, measures and other mechanics to determine who lives and who dies. (For example, right here, Jack is the only character that can die.) It's not that hard to get out of the Omega 4 Relay with everyone alive, you just have to think through stuff and not make stupid decisions.

Hey, by the way, answer me in the comments: how much do you want me to talk about the game's killing process here? I have no idea if I should just sort of skim it or go Prima Strategy Guide on y'all, so you help me out.

It's worth a disclaimer: from here on out, the way my game plays out might be totally different from how yours plays out.

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All right, off to the cargo hold!

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Meet the Occulus, the little robot who just broke into the Normandy's cargo bay. I don't have any other information past that, sorry. You never see another one again. I'm not even sure if he's reaper made or what.

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In the middle of the fight, the game will show a cut scene with a character looking at the drive core. If you don't have your awesome multicore shielding upgraded, the game will kill the character. There's a few who can die here, but the game will prioritize Kasumi.

I like to think Kasumi's chilling at the drive core because she's going to steal it. Hey, how's that Occulus coming?

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Once the fight's over, if you brought Miranda, there's a cool glitch:

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Miranda will come over the loudspeaker while she's in the cargo bay! I'm kind of surprised Bioware let that one slide, they're really good at programming for stuff like that.

Eventually:

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Hey! That's a space turd!

Wait, wait, I think that's the Collector Base!

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... is the Collector Base shitting a turd ship at us?

This game.

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The game will kill someone here too if you don't have those canons up and running.

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All right, the mini ship is out of the way! Hey EDI, land us on the base so we can get inside, we've got a crew to rescue!

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... well hell.

Am I going to be painting a totally different game next time? I've considered Persona 3, I think that would be a good MSPixel candidate.

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

The Bioware Trademark Sex Scene

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This is an Easter egg I missed the first (and maybe the second, I can't remember?) time I played ME2. The window for it is short, you have to go talk to Joker instantly after the collectors.

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... I know. I know. Let me live in my delusion until ME3, okay?

Since this is a Bioware game, and Bioware games are fucking horny, the Bioware Trademark Sex Scene is nigh upon us. I figured, instead of devoting an entire entry to Shepard trying to fuck a turian, let's investigate all the sex we could have had, but didn't! Think of it as looking behind doors number 1 and 2 to see what you didn't win. I probably should have done this in ME1, but honestly, those sex scenes are all a little boring. Each ME2 sex scene brings something new and weird to the table.

You all tend to love the horny entries, so let's get this shit over with.

First, let's borrow Eusebius Shepard and see what the ladies have to offer.

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Miranda rips off the top half of her jumpsuit in the engine room, trying very hard to make me draw tits (yet not succeeding). I can't remember if there's any dialogue in this scene. I'm pretty sure it's just bra, fuck fuck fuck.

I like to pretend they fuck in the engine room so that Tali can hear.

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Jack cries and her makeup runs. Sexy.

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Bioware to Tali fans: "trololololol."

I'm not making up for my lack of art skills, either, that's what actually factually happens.

All right, so if you played as the correct Shepard:

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Jacob rips his shirt off and parades around. A man had to have written this scene. Does anyone else find that sort of display ... uncomfortable?

It did, however, prompt thousands of fantastically racist nerds to compare Jacob to the Old Spice "I'm On A Horse Guy." Get it? Because they're both black and ripped. (And have facial hair, but I had to look that one up.) Okay, thank you nerds, you are clever, go sit down.

But then, there's also this horse shit, which I cannot explain, so.

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Thane comes into your cabin, cries, then punches shit. Who wrote this?!

So anyway, on to --

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Don't worry, I'm not going to draw a sex scene between me and him. I almost have some decorum sometimes.

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... that's my tablet that I use to draw MSPixel on.

I draw MSPixel with a tablet.

Stop crying.

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All right! Fine! One for Husbando~, who I hope is making nachos tonight? Please?

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(It is possible that I didn't use Eusebius just to be a shit.)

Okay. So. Finally. Story time: when I first started up ME2, I went to YouTube and just watched all the sex scenes to see whose was the least freaky. Garrus won, but ... I mean, damn. Just ... damn. Here, okay:

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Like, first it starts in the shower, because Bioware is trying REAL DAMN HARD to get me to draw tits, apparently. Actually, you don't even see her collarbone. Still, why the hell am I watching her shower?

All part of being a responsible alien sex haver, I guess.

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Who the fuck is the wine for? Shepard and Garrus can't eat the same food. Is one just supposed to watch the other get drunk?

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... honestly, I picked this one because I didn't have to watch two video game models try to kiss or roll around in bed awkwardly. The head bump suits me fine.

FUN FACT: Bioware had Shepard and Garrus bump heads because they couldn't get a human/turian kiss animated correctly. We cool, Bioware. We cool.

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So anyway, the scene ends here. Next time, let's ...

...

No.

Next time, we're --

Don't look at me like that.

Stop it! I'm not drawing it! I'm not drawing them having sex!

Next time, we'll all --

...

No! Fuck you! Do you know how many hits I already get off of "Mass effect porn" on Google?! I am NOT --

...

...

FINE.

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They turned the lights off. This is all you're getting.

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I need to go pray.